I’ve been trying to get back into regularly blogging for a while now … I can assure you that it’s not for the want of trying ( I have about 17 posts in my “draft folder”) that now I’ve written this may get to see the light of day … so apologies if there is a deluge of posts that follows this one … I suspect it will be a little like when you’ve “broken the seal” on a night out … once you have your first pee of the evening … you just have to keep going! (Maybe that last bit is a reference that only I will understand?? **chuckles to myself**)

It isn’t like I haven’t got lots to say and write about … I have! I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking about why I actually blog. What is it I want to get from it? What am I trying to achieve? What does it mean to be able to call yourself a “blogger” ? Is being a blogger even a “thing”? Am I even one? I don’t think so!! Don’t get me wrong I think all this is healthy to reflect on … I just think back to when I started and was writing just for me I was very, very honest and open and I want to get back to that. Have I been more guarded recently ? I suppose I have but my way of doing that has been to not blog in any great detail. I have nothing to hide … it’s just that I haven’t considered that there is anything worthy of writing about (I will elaborate!) or that people will think I am “showcasing” and I don’t want that!

In addition, I have also been having a bit of an issue with the subsequent fallout .. no! that’s the wrong word. I am really struggling with … ummm …. errrr … I suppose it’s my perception of other peoples perception of me. I never, ever write stuff that I would want interpreted as being the only way of teaching stuff or as me being superior or even putting myself on a pedestal … the last thing I want people to think is that I am “up my own at5e”.

Several things have been the catalyst so it’s probably easier that I try to describe them … in no particular order:

• A couple of months ago there was a Twitter conversation started by someone who was feeling inadequate “amongst all these amazing people sharing ideas”. We got to talking about how Twitter is only a snapshot in time and people can be very selective about what they share. Anyway, I got a little self-conscious that I don’t ever want to make anyone feel inadequate … even if it was done unintentionally! The consequence is that I have vowed to get back to writing posts more regularly like when I used to write my “mid-week updates” which were exactly what they sound like and because they were written “in the moment” it meant that I included the good, the bad and the ugly!
• I did an event in January or February and when I introduced myself, I found myself wondering what on earth could I have to say that this group of teachers would possibly be interested in? What makes me worthy of this? … It’s been quite refreshing to be able to introduce myself as “just a teacher” since stepping down and moving school in September but I’ve also struggled with it at times because I know how hierarchical teaching is and there’s me standing up in front of people with more “pips on their shoulder”.  I’ve also got something exciting planned from September that will, in my mind level off this power imbalance but I’ll reveal that another time! Don’t get me wrong I’m really lucky with my new HOD (who is ace and the team is cool too) and I don’t regret the move … it’s given me time to do other things and also (dare I say it!) have a bit more a “work/life” balance … actually it’s more of a “teaching/JustMaths/Life (read “Life” as dog!!)” balance.
• I think the fact that I sometimes say that I’m not an academic teacher has also hindered my confidence recently. At times I feel like I should just write next to my name (as it was lots at school!) “Mel could do better!” It’s not that I don’t read bits of research, it’s just that I know “context is king” – I teach a very specific band of students (the mid-attainers!) and tend to try stuff and if it doesn’t work I don’t do it again but if it does, I’ll develop the idea further only to find that what we’ve been doing for years is supported by some research that has become all the rage and I don’t really want to look like I’m jumping on some bandwagon. I know that over the years I probably could have saved myself hours of time through trial and error by reading the research but teaching means that sometimes you just don’t have the time to be proactive over the long-term UNLESS YOU MAKE THE TIME. I have toyed with the idea of doing a session at mathsconf about how running a department is like operating on a 3 (or 4) lane motorway. Year 11 is the outside (I know I shouldn’t call it the fast!) lane where we are working at 120 mph; years 7/8 and 9/10 are then the other two lanes. Intervention in year 11 is fine and dandy but unless we are also being proactive with years 7-10 we will always need to be reactive in year 11 and that is unsustainable in the long run for teachers. Teachers responsible for students at the 3/4 or 4/5 boundaries are under immense pressure and once you develop strategies for these groups of students that is where you tend to stay, which, if you keep doing this for years is draining. Yes, its exciting but also bloody hard work!
• This last one is very peculiar and probably the one that I’m worried about writing because I don’t want to upset anyone (fecking ‘ell … I’ve mellowed!!) I was at a Maths event recently and I found myself feeling a bit uncomfortable when someone rushed over and dragged me away from the person I was speaking with to meet someone because they wanted to prove that they “knew a celebrity” (their words!). Yes they do know me and it was all very light-hearted  and I joked that I felt like I was being paraded around like a performing monkey. It wasn’t this that I had an issue with, it all just felt so undeserved to me … I’m just a teacher. I have been very lucky and also worked very hard in what I do … I’d really hate people to have the idea that I think I’ve “nailed it,” because I don’t … I know that there is so much to learn as a teacher and I will never be the finished product. The “finisher-completer” in me finds that tough to accept at times too.

Even as I write this, I’m sat here thinking that maybe people will think that I’m saying it for “effect” or to get compliments … I’m not, I can assure you (so it’s probably best not  to leave comments below … or if you do I won’t make them publicly available). In fact lets not even acknowledge that I’ve even written this and in a very English way, should we ever meet in person let’s just nod knowingly in the first instance then tell me all about what you’re up to!

Now that I’ve written this, I’m not even sure there was a point … apart from saying .. I’ll be back!